#30 -- The Diffused States (Part 4)

"No, the way she stood, it was more like she'd ridden a rocket bareback to Mars, out-drank Bacchus, out-foxed Loki, punched-out Tyson, stolen diamonds, split atoms, won a race, and somehow manage to turn God's girlfriend gay with just a wink and a smile."

Read: [#23 -- The Diffused States (Part 1)], [(Part 2)], and [(Part 3)] to stay caught up. . .

Aran bent his head down for a closer look. The woman's body looked deflated and dry, especially now that the bed was propping her up, her skin obeying gravity while her giving her bones their turn in the spotlight. Behind hair that resembled dust curls, her eyes were indeed moving, blinking -- very much aware, if a bit sedated. He had been struggling out of his foggy hangover with aspirin and coffee, the post-race celebration had been a lengthy affair the night before, packing in noise, substances, and rain -- the latter of which had not yet subsided. All these things thinned Aran's ability to think. He ran his tongue over his teeth, thinking how gritty they felt, and how he hoped it wouldn't activate his gag reflex. Then the woman in the bed looked at him, first with her face, then with her eyes, lids pulling back like the last seconds before a music-box runs out of energy. If Aran had had hiccups, they would have been gone.

"Hi," he said to her in a normal voice.

At first, he expected her to answer, but the doctor that had invited him into the room dissuaded him with a shaking head.

"So, this is really her?"

"One of the first. She did everything right, proved us all right. The D3 accepted her. It carried her, kept her safe. Then, unfortunately for everybody involved, it started to abuse her. That left her with a whole lot of hurt. Looking at her cat-scan, you should see it clearly." The doctor held it in front of Aran, who could see patches in the woman’s brain that almost looked like --

"-- It burned her?" Aran felt a lump in his throat. "Is that what that is? Because that's what it looks like, particularly here. And here. Jesus, it burned her like fondue stuck to a pot."

"You're perceptive. The physical results of emotional rejection, the literal confusion inside the brain, medically, it's wounded the way skin is hurt by chemical burns. The D3 didn't want her anymore. She, however, still needed the connection. The rush, the closeness, the familiarity. And when it was taken away, she didn't understand why. Their team's Angel, who I know personally, and is usually conservative when managing the relationship between the Runner and the D3, initially likened the Runner's reaction to drug addiction. In my opinion though, it's different. It's worse."

"So why's she like this? The woman's a plant. Artichokes are more personable than this. Is her sedation because of the D3?"

"No. Unfortunately, no. This was the result of an intervention from her team's Opticon."

"You said she was on Team Nobis? I've met their Opticon. Vonnegut. The man's an arachnid at heart. He did this?"

The doctor shrugged. "They needed a Runner. She was the best. They needed the old magic, so they forced the issue. An icepick." Aran cocked his brow and pointed to the inner corner of his left eye, asking. "Yup. Old-fashioned. So now, somehow, in her total complacency, the D3 accepts her again. She wasn't much of a racer in that state though, so right before the green flag goes down, they give her a 100 deciliter drip of this."

Aran took a look at the bag of semi-crystallized fluid hanging from I.V. stand. "Quite the meal. It's heavy. This is thick stuff, what is it?"

"It's called Grove," he stated. Aran hoped for elaboration but got none.

"Grove?" Aran repeated, keeping his voice steady when he spoke the word.

"Yeah. They say Vonnegut gets it from The Kingdom. At least that's what Nobis' Dealer said to me."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Nope."

"Could he be. . . encouraged to say anything else?" Aran squinted, trying to see what was really inside the I.V. bag. "Should I have Han ask him about Grove? Persuade him? With sharp words and blunt things? Or blunt words and sharp things? He can do both. He's very encouraging if you catch him in the right mood."

"Aran, I would really like to know what this shit is. And I'd like you to be the guy that finds it out. It turns a dummy athlete into a competitor again. To know how and why, well, that'd be a lot off of my conscience. But listen." He nodded Aran away from the woman in the bed. "When I asked the Dealer about the Grove, it wasn't that he wouldn't tell me anything -- it was the way his eyes shrank away when I pressured him. He knows something, for sure. But there was something funny going on in the back of that guy's brain, and it wasn't because he was intimidated by me that he didn't talk. No, this guy wanted to talk. It was just something bad, he was having fun with his secret."

He pointed to something Aran had stepped in. "What the?"

"When the Dealer was here earlier this morning," the doctor informed him. "He attached the Grove I.V., dumped half a shoe-full of sand on the floor and left. Said he'd been out in the desert earlier in the week."

Aran kicked a clump of the dirt into the corner. "Okay then. So he's dirty and he's ill-mannered. Good to know. I'd have this guy on a short leash if I were Vonnegut."

"If I had to guess, the Dealer knows too much. Maybe by accident though? Vonnegut knows the Dealer knows. And the Dealer knows what Vonnegut likes to do to uncooperative employees. Pumping the Dealer for information is the logical next step for us. Funny situation, isn't it, Mr. Bond?"

"Cute," Aran acknowledged. "But Vonnegut's a dangerous man and an honest man, and those are some wicked complications for somebody in his position to be having. He's old school."

"Like you."

Aran felt his attention drawn back to the woman in the bed. Air bubbles pushed through the crystalline fluid bag, half-empty now. They collected, coalescing at the surface as a heavy shell at the top of it all. Then it snapped loudly. The pop splattered opaque green flecks all across the empty half.

"In all the worst ways," Aran admitted. "Like me. But I think we're finally getting somewhere."

-- |  |  | --

The best Runners were focused and selfish. Rational, maybe even reasonable people, yes, and kind in conversation and encouragement, but terribly independent to the point of selfishness. It kept them contained and in touch with their 1:1 bond to the D3. Not caring about the safety of other people made them ruthless on the track. It kept them competitive. The D3 gradually changed them though. Their contempt faded. The bond with this secondary life-form would grow stronger. They would begin to depend on it. The team's Angels would study them when the runner started to show the signs. The synchronization rate would grow, as did the coordination and trust, but the speed would inevitably drop. The machine wouldn't go as hard, as if the runner was holding it back. The runner wouldn't be as tired after the races until they were an hour or so removed from the D3, when heavy fatigue would set in. It was initially diagnosed as an addiction. This was proven false when the runners started showing signs of separation anxiety when they were put into detox or deprived time in the D3.

It was Team Montblanc that found the solution. "Quite simply," Aran had declared once at a post-race press conference. "The runners are becoming emotionally compromised later in their careers. Their biorhythms are so in-tuned with the D3 that both organisms begin to value the others' life in a cellular level. Medically, we can't prove it, it's an emotional state, not a physical issue. The runner and the D3, stop being self-focused and start to identify their mutual dependencies over time. It isn't symbiotic. The organisms continue to live if separated. It's mental thing."

"How is it a mental thing?" a press member asked.

"Have you ever been in love?"

The press member sat down, nodded, and the room got weird and quiet.

"It's like when you're lying in bed and it feels empty," Aran suggested.

The Runners stopped being selfish later in life. They stopped being focused. They would usually try to hide it because they knew what it meant. Their brains changed somewhere during their development with the D3, morphing from inward-facing into something more expansive. Value changed. Without realizing, the D3 was more valuable than their own lives. Or maybe that wasn’t it. Being with the D3, just being close to it, being one with this separate but identified entity was more important than racing.

The Runners joked that they had to be celibate to participate in the sport, otherwise the biomech would sense their emotional detachment and get "jealous." Research from the early days of the sport and the initial generation of retirees coming out of the Runner community provides decent evidence to this urban myth though. A Runner's career can vary in length like any sport, but they all have one thing in common: their abilities vanish almost instantly and with very few red flags. Statistically, when they do finally retire, they end up as one of two things in their first year out:

Brain-damaged and dead. Or married. Make all the jokes you want about the latter being interchangeable with the former.

Efforts were made to level the relationship, and music was one of the first things added to the equation when they began digging into the human-to-D3 interface. Athletes had always been listening to music to get themselves in the right mood before sporting events. They played organ music at baseball games decades earlier, true, but that was more to excite the fans. The music in the D3 was entirely for the benefit of the Runner. It boosted the sync-rate between the biomech and the Runner.

"Well, what it does is put the D3 in the right mood," [NAME REDACTED], the Laureate of Team Montblanc explained. "It's a weird thought, metering a machine's mood with music. For some reason though, for probably the same reason that in-utero babies can react and benefit from Mozart, the simple organism portion of the D3 bonds with the music we play. It's just really beautiful sound that all cells, big and small, can agree upon. It strengthens its bond with the Runner, gives them freedom to share rhythm better. When we figured this out, it changed the D3 races from side-show to something huge.

"People really started to identify with the races. They saw it as sport and as theater and as dance and as personal and human. They wanted to know about play-calling mid-race and the Runner's training-diets. They wanted to hear the soundtracks that we compose on the fly. They wanted to download each Runner's personal playlist. What does Eliza Shaw feel when she needs to go fast? What does Stro Gilroy need to hear when he loses himself and lets the beat guide his movements?"

-- |  | --

"Aaaaand, we're live! We’re going to go down live trackside with Stro Gilroy --"

"-- Stro, you had trouble during the first half of the race, particularly during laps 42 and 47. How was it that you managed to turn things around? What happened?"

Stro rubbed his chin. "What happened? I got fucking pissed is what happened. I was getting shit information from my Smith and my Jockey. They were fighting with our Angel the whole time about issues with the code. There was shit going on with the D3. I can honestly say I was lucky to finish where I did, and it took a huge effort to come away with as many points as we did."

"There is a silver lining and maybe you haven't heard yet, but your teammate Eliza Shaw truly excelled today. And as you said, you scored big in the points -- how big was it for you to come away with as many overall points as you did, particularly after the trouble you had at Dallas last weekend?"

"Eliza and I just need to work on consistency. We can't be all up and down the leaderboard with each race. We both have the ability to win every time, that I really do believe, but if I go out and win like I did at Dallas but then Eliza has the trouble that she did, and I suppose vice-versa this weekend with her succeeding so admirably, but then I go down in flames, that isn't acceptable. Not for me, not for her, not for our crew or Opticon, that's for damn sure."

Eliza tapped the button to go down on the elevator. She just wanted to get to the dressing room, to get rid of the sloppy hair clinging to her back, darkened with perspiration. The race was done, she'd earned 108 points with the win. Fatigue swung on her eyelids. The way she stood though, pulse still heightened, sweat misting off of her head from the sudden temperature change indoors, you would have thought she'd not simply won a race. No, the way she stood, it was more like she'd ridden a rocket bareback to Mars, out-drank Bacchus, out-foxed Loki, punched-out Tyson, stolen diamonds, split atoms, won a race, and somehow manage to turn God's girlfriend gay with just a wink and a smile.

Looking at her, the way she stood, body half-cocked and just waiting for an elevator, she was invulnerable.

"Hi," she said. They looked at her, two boys, maybe eleven or twelve years old, probably sons of track maintenance guys, brought themselves to wave at her lightly. "How'd you get down here?"

"My dad's key," one of them answered. He held up a single key, no chain, probably lifted from his father's ring.

She smiled. "Yeah. That’s probably what I would've done." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I just got done with the race. I'm Eliza."

"Yeah. We saw you," the other boy said. "How'd you. . . I mean, we saw you. . . you jumped."

"You jumped over a bus like it was just a hurdle!"

"Yeah, it was a pretty crazy day."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she encouraged. "Ask me anything."

"Umm, how'd you become a Runner? Was it hard? You know, how did you start?"

Eliza relaxed a little bit, and the boys did too. "Honestly? I'm doing it as a favor to a friend," she bent her knees and squatted down so she could be on eye level with them. "He came up to me a few years ago -- I remember this, I was at a party in San Francisco -- and he said, 'Eliza, I have a job. I need somebody focused, passionate, honest, and kind. Somebody that isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. Somebody that isn't afraid to compete. But also somebody that won't compromise, and can't compromise their soul's constitution.' And I just sat there after he said it."

"What'd you say?"

The elevator door dinged. It opened. She kept her eyes on the boys, the bright sky-diver blues not going anywhere. The elevator doors closed. Eliza wiped her mouth, looking a little nervous, then deciding something -- to be truly honest.

"Well, stupidly, I laughed, I told him that I would have to think about it, but you know what was funny? I was lying to him. I didn't have to think about it at all. I'd already made up my mind about what I was going to do. I was just sort of going through the motions, the way that people do, for some reason. I worked my way around the party, talking to a few more people about this or that or whatever, but the entire time, I found myself looking for reasons to refuse his offer. Isn't that weird? I couldn't find any reason, obviously, so I went and I found him later at some donut shop half a block away and I told him I'd do it. I didn't even know what it was. He told me I was going to be a D3 Runner. I told him that I liked the idea but I probably was physically incapable of that kind of thing. He said -- and I remember this very specifically -- 'If you don't like it, Eliza, you can always go back.' And that was it. I went with my gut. That was how I did it."

"Is it hard?" the first boy asked her, watching the elevator door open a second time.

"Yeah," she got in, tugging a knot out of her waved blond hair. "Yeah, but only if you hate it. Fight it, you guys, but don't hate it. Otherwise it'll hate you back."

The bell rang, she stepped in, the doors closed, the elevator dropped. In a few minutes she was in the dressing room, halfway done. It was all she could do, getting partially undressed, the weight of the race finally overcoming her residual adrenaline.

Amusing herself as best she could, Eliza banged her heavy-Kevlar boots against the floor, trying to kick them off. It took a few hard hits before she realized a buckle was still attached. Her earpieces were still in, the outro-track still spinning up and down -- it had been designed by Laureate to calm her down post-race, but she still loved the chord progression too much to shake the last shreds of excitement. Pretty soon, it was a fun game, having that whole dressing room to herself, thumping her heavy boots on the floor with lessening intention of truly removing them.

"I bang-bang my boots on the floor," she sing-songed. "Na-na, na-na / My boots are big and gross / They smell like sinking boats / I'm glad I'm all aloneeeee / 'cause my song has no rhymes --" Eliza looked up to see Stro in the doorway, already changed, and visibly irked by his time talking to the press. She changed her tone. "-- I don't care if I'm not alone," Eliza went on in her broken rhythm. "-- My boots are big and gross / Get up out of my grill / You all up in my grill. Stro."

"Mmm. Grill. Goddamn, I'm hungry. You're up to bat with the press, by the way. Get at 'em, gorgeous girl."

"The press is assholes," she said in deliberately-busted grammar. She slammed her boots and they flew off, skidding across the room to Stro.

"Your boots smell."

"Did you hear my song?" Eliza deadpanned. "It was educational."

"Yeah. I heard your song. It was neat." She tipped over and pressed her face into the bench, grumbling. "It was probably the best song I heard today. Maybe."

"Urgh. I just don't want to talk to the press. They're idiots. They aren't fans. They don't like us. Their's is a vulture culture. They always ask the same questions. And I have to give the same stupid canned-answers." She opened one eye. She knew what she'd see before she even did it. Stro was as predictable as ever but she'd never know just how predictable she was herself. He shut the door, crossed the room, and shook her shoulder the way you would wake up a hungover friend, not gently, but with remarkable affection. "Hmm. This blows."

"I know it does, but we have to do it." Stro kept his hand on her shoulder and she watched him reach for her handset, vibrating on the end of the bench.

"Don't touch my phone," Eliza moaned.

His hand went still, watching it vibrate before going dark. "Didn't want it to buzz of the edge, people really need to get over that stigma. And you really need to stop calling it a phone."

"I'm old school," Eliza responded, her voice sleepy, but satisfied that Stro had listened to her request. "Spend as much time in the UK as I did growing up and some weirdness is bound to stick to you."

"It is a weird place isn't it? Urgh. Okay, I'll go tell them you'll be out in five minutes. Be there in ten, okay? Do me a favor and take some time to chill."

"Okay."

He stayed, continuing to shake her shoulder slowly. She had gotten her suit half-off before directing her attention to her boots, and they both smelled equally bad, like compressed animal sweat sprayed through an aerosol can. The suit was one piece and the arms were knotted around her waist. As bad is it smelled, it was the odor clinging to the layer she wore underneath -- that was the worst, that kind of frozen, unfrozen, and then re-frozen aura that Stro imagined had to be the result of bacteria dying, respawning, and dying again. And even now, years later, you don't get used to the stench.

"Now get dressed."

Eliza sat up. She sniffed herself. "No."

-- | --

"Eliza!" She perked up, straightening the microphone in front of her, looking for the man that had asked the question. She found him. He had taken no notes, and without a handset screen illuminating his face like all the others, he looked downright dim. "You're a little rough on the exterior," he began again, watching her clear the awkward out of her throat. "Why aren't you more humble?"

She rested her face on her knuckle. Why? It felt like one minute passed without a breath. Then it felt more like five, yet try as she might, she was still somehow here, getting talked at by the press corps. Digging down, she found no answer that would make this question go away. No matter what she said, it would be just an answer. What if for once, it was, well, something else?

"Listen," she stated, and she was surprised when they did. The room's noise clapped shut so suddenly that she had to check that she didn't have her earplugs still in. "You guys are just here for soundbites. I get that. People want to know what makes my brain go-round. What makes me human, but the truth, ladies and gentlemen, is that I'm not human. I was raised on the back of a giant turtle in the middle of an ocean on a planet you've never heard of. My heroics will be lauded in hallowed halls over raised glasses of ambrosia come Ragnarok. I was genetically engineered from birth to be perfect in every way. I got dunked head-first into the River Styx by my mom, a demi-goddess herself. It's not my fault that I look this good but it's definitely your fault that you aren't more humbled to be in my presence. I'm a role-model for all the good things in the world, and I'm about to teach a lesson here, so listen up tight, yeah?" She bent closer to her mic for the first time. "My advice to all of you is this: do not tolerate whiny sacks of shit that exist only to leach and grovel. You can't touch me, don't even try. Why am I not more humble? Because then I would be you. Nobody would benefit. Because my existence would be redundant without the golden wall between us. You need me the way a baby needs his ba-ba. Now get out of my sight before I decide to order your sister off of Craigslist."

"You don't have to be rude with your answers," the man answered, half-sarcastic, half passive-aggressive.

"Look, unless you want a sleep-deprived, half-drunk, well-connected, uber-nutritioned white girl to scatter your teeth across the floorboards in front of God and the rest of the birds, you'll walk the fuck away. I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up and I would enjoy it. On an unhealthy level."

Han looked to Aran, who had buried his grumbling face into his palms. "So, that ain't good." 

NEXT: [#62 -- The Diffused States (Part 5)] to see what happens. . .

-- Doberman (is getting closer)

on Twitter | @GhostLittle_WTF

#29 -- Behold, The 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®: A Break-Up Story

"Being in vengeance is like being in love -- you can't be told you're getting revenge, you just KNOW you are."

I broke up with a girl. She didn't reckon I had the backbone, or the wherewithal, to emotionally cripple her in the way she did me. This isn't karma. It's something more callous. It's vengeance.

The next sentence involves the word "ass." Coming out of a relationship, you can either kick it, or suck it. I will not suck it.

She said she was going to make something of herself and I was just treading water with my life. First of all, know that at this point, I have stopped caring about all things when I'm in her presence. You know it -- you know the feeling when that switch that gets flipped. Now I'm quite literally bound by the laws of physics to find everything about her repugnant, lest I sink into depression like her failed-future career as a patent attorney! BOOM! That is verbatim what I said to her. She didn't even realize that not only did I already know she was going to try again to pass the bar and become a patent attorney, but I ALSO already knew she was cheating on me with Dan, her carpool buddy, with whom she also shares a subway pass with.

Dan is the worst name in any language. Try saying, "And the hero's name was: Dan." Seriously, try it right now. Just you try it. See? You try to say it and you just end up barfing your mouth full of vomitus.

She thought she was breaking up with me, but I'd come to the breakup prepared to counter her ending our relationship with a 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®! You should've SEEN the look on her face. It was repugnant. She thought she was just going to reveal her secret plan about breaking up with ME and moving in with DAN and her new career as a patent attorney. I'd been with her for a while and I KNEW I could easily take the wind of her sails, and I ALSO knew that she sucks ass at sailing -- a vain shortcoming that's always bothered her -- so tacking against the wind was COMPLETELY out of the question with her. Her entire  nautical vocabulary is limited at best, so when I said that, "Baby I'm going to take the wind out of your sails and you'll be fucked because you don't know how to tack," she was BLOWN. . . nowhere. Her brain was in the doldrums. I'm awesome at crossword puzzles and I'd come to that brunch prepared.

I drank like 3 cups of iced coffee at the Dunkin' Donuts across the street prior to meeting up with her and I wrote down some notes on a notepad that I'd bought earlier with the change from my coffee. I decided on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance® right then and there. She was going to come and tell me that she was going to become a patent attorney, that I knew. Know what? Fuck her. I'll become a stand-up comedian. I wrote that down and underlined it. What's she going to say to that? She knows I'm funny and she knows that I know that she hated studying for bar the first time, and she knows I LOVE being funny. I'll be pursuing a kick-ass dream -- she'll be backsliding into lifelong career of professional, regretful nitpickery. And she's pissed that her roommate Charlotte always said I was funny and even said I should become a stand-up comedian when I wasn't in the room one time. I know she said that, because I trained their pet parakeet, Toucan Fran, to tell me secrets. Toucan Fran and I are in very good terms.

"Well done, Toucan Fran," I whispered to him, handing him a Salteen. "Yes, yours are the words that shall topple the first domino in my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®."

That was number 1 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®. Turn the people in this coffee shop against my ex!

Turning a crowd against somebody else is easy if you're me or if you're like me. You don't even need to be mean about it, they usually do most the damage to themselves. All you need is some money, not even a lot! It's super fucking easy. For example, with money, you can get cheap plane tickets and go places, but before you do, tell people you're going to go somewhere and do something. Public knowledge is the truest knowledge, and rumor is her sexy half-Japanese cousin. Make sure that the person you're telling your plan to will think that it's really fucking stupid-sounding, but make sure uninvolved others are there to hear it too, because it'll sound cool to them. For example, I'll say: "I'm gonna go to Iceland. Bathe in some hot springs. If the mood strikes me after I visit Haukadalur, of course."

Number 2 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance® had already been set in motion. Vacation in Iceland. My ex didn't believe me, but when I pushed my bought-and-paid-for Iceland Air ticket across the table to her, she started denying it. Like I couldn't do it? Please, the seeds are already planted. Dudes eating brunch with their girlfriends were already pulling out their iPhones to see how cheap tickets to Iceland were. My ex looked fucking dumb saying going to Iceland wasn't a good idea. She wanted so much for me to be unhappy. I will have none of it. Fucking with people is easy if you take something impractical and make it awesome, which is what I did with my time in Iceland!

It's a beautiful country, by the way. I took pictures and I sent them to her new address when I got back to the U.S. I borrowed my grandmother's old camera that I gave to her for Christmas in 2002, and I included that fact in the note I sent to my ex along with the pictures. It wasn't a digital camera either, it was an oldish, but still really good-quality film camera, so the actual for-real photographs that I mailed to her of me tacking against the wind while sailing off of the coast of Reykjavík with Jóhanna and Flóki made her concede how awesome my time in Iceland was, thanks to the pictures I took with my grandmother's camera.

That's number 3 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®. Help HER family members get jobs. It's the most thoughtfully hateful thing you can do to somebody. Her younger brother and I play Mario Kart Wii online all the time and he just graduated from RISD. Well, guess who works in HR at a design firm downtown? Charlotte! She's already refused to talk to my ex when she called to ask for help on getting her brother an interview. But Charlotte and me are super-close now ever since we got drunk on kick-ass maitais at the Cheesecake Factory a little while back. BOOM! My ex's little brother got the job offer this morning, he sent me a video message from his smartphone of him celebrating in the elevator after the interview. Now, even after the breakup, my ex's family knows how kind I am. Her mom is already refusing to buy her a plane ticket home for Thanksgiving! Her brother's already been put on a project at the job doing logo design for a Chinese flower company that specializes in genetically-engineered lilies.

That's number 4 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®. I learned about flower arrangement. Why? Because girls love flowers but don't know SHIT about arrangement methods.

A girl might know how to speak a second language or be really good at running or yoga or be a really good cook, which are all NORMAL things a guy coming off a break-up might pick up to get back at his old girlfriend.

See, girls don't know ANYTHING about flower arrangement, so when my professionally-arranged piece shows up in a local magazine that I know she reads because I re-forwarded it to her new address, it drives her crazy. She doesn't know if it's good or not because she only speaks French, cooks chicken cordon'bleu, sits in a full-lotus position, and runs half-marathons. Talk about BORING!

I found these reactions to be kinda trite. They exude a deliberate, inorganic sadness-aura. Why be so predictable? Being in vengeance is like being in love -- you can't be told you're getting revenge, you just KNOW you are. Remember your Palpatine and let the hate flow.

My security and self-confidence annoys her so much it makes her menstruate early. It's satisfying, but really fucking gross. Here's the real great part: flower arrangement is FUCKING EASY.

I also told all the girls in the seminar class that I got into, wherein I learned what little there actually is to know about flower arrangement, that I'm color-blind, so when they realize how amazingly put-together my display was, it drives them fucking WILD. All I did was Google color-blind and figured out all I needed to know about what colors look like what to somebody with the affliction.

"What? Green? No, I see something darker, something closer to what you might call 'blue.' " Then I tell them that my ex was a cocktease and always left me with green-balls.

"Wow. Sounds like she sucked ass."

"Yeah. She did. I'm getting over her though."

That's number 5 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®. I convinced Dan that HE was color-blind. They don't have their cable modem hooked up yet at their new place, so when he went to Starbucks to get a wireless signal, I got a bunch of my buds together, and at random intervals, had casual background conversations about how the way Dan was dressing suggested that he might be color-blind. Then my friend Spike, who graduated magna cum laude in computer science, fixed up some kick-ass fake websites with some unproven research on color-blindness. We Google-bombed the search terms for his site and associated them with color-blind searches. Dan found them no problem when he Googled it, and BOOM! Dan now thinks he's color-blind.

So now Dan thinks he's color-blind, his Internet isn't hooked up, I enjoyed my time in Iceland, and my ex's family is neglecting her during the holiday season. Not good enough. Too many of her friends still like her.

Logically, step 6 on my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance® is simple: deprive her of sleep on the week of Saint Patrick's Day. There's nothing worse than a malnourished grouch on Saint Patrick's Day. This is a little tricky, but I basically remove all substances from her life. Aspirin, ibuprofen, Ambien, caffeine, alcohol, vitamin-C supplements, sugar, all of it. It just involves replacing all the pills with placebos, the coffee grounds with decaf, the sugar with salt, and the alcohol I'll just steal from her.

I was debating hiding metronomes in her apartment to wake her up at random intervals during the night and I liked the idea that I had, so I did it. I already installed auto-run features on her laptop and work computer so they randomly turn on and off be it day or night. How pissed does that make you when you computer shuts down for no reason? Very. I can actually activate these background-routines on her computer from my phone with the supporting app I wrote, so I'll know when she's sad and I'll know when to laugh.

Come Saint Patrick's Day, she's a wreck. She'll be utterly repugnant, and yet, it DOES. . . NOT. . . STOP. She'll want to do hair-of-the-dog, or drink an Irish coffee or some shit. No. I don't let it happen. Keep it up, swapping everything out. She'll hate the sight of smiling faces, scowling constantly at drunks, and she’ll be so upset that eventually, dehydrated and exhausted, she'll collapse. Sober, she'll be taken to the hospital on Saint Patrick's Day, and nobody will be able to come and get her because a) we hate her for being whiny and annoying and pouty all day, and b) we'll all be too drunk to drive over there. Hope you enjoy getting felt up by puke-soaked forty-somethings, Honey.

Finally, step 7 in my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance® is to convince her that she's been indirectly responsible for the death of a homeless guy. This is easy. On Halloween, I'm going to have one of my friends that she doesn't know dress as a homeless guy. It's a common costume, it'll work perfectly because she's looking for a pity-fuck by now. When she asks who he is, he'll be from out of town, and nobody will know, so I'll start spreading the rumor that he is, in fact, an actual homeless guy. He'll deny this when she asks, and despite the fact that he smells like spoiled fruit, they’ll hook up. Then he'll go back on his word, adamantly confirming that he is entirely homeless. His story will be something like: he dropped out of school after his parents died and he blew his trust fund right after it came out of escrow, and now he's homeless at a very young age.

This will gross her our, and she'll kick him out of the building where the party is, thinking that he's lying, that he's playing a joke on her. He'll crawl into a doorway and make sure that she watches him go to sleep, and she’ll go home. Now, the next day, the host of the party will release a statement on Facebook saying that it was a great party and all, but demand to know who let the homeless guy in? First, she'll be grossed out that she hooked up with a real-live homeless person, who is still just one of my friends from out of town that owes me a favor. I gave him a ride to the courthouse so he could fight a speeding ticket and then bought him an iced coffee outside the DMV while he got his license renewed, and now that he’s helped me with this, we're even.

Pay it forward, people.

The real coup de grâce though is that the host of the party, another one of my friends, will begin to complain about a smell outside his window, occasionally updating his status or Tweeting, or wherever. Finally, it will be revealed that the smell is coming from a corpse. We take a few pictures out of his apartment window with a gurney and ambulance that we borrow with the help of some buddies at med school, my "homeless" friend, still in costume, sorta bloated and very dead. Autopsy reports suggest that he's actually been dead for about a week, passing away on the night of Halloween.

So not only did she hook up with a homeless guy, but her cruelty and disbelief that he was in fact homeless, resulted in him getting dead.

And that’s my 7-Step Plan Of Vengeance®. I would say that you should have heard this coming, especially since I was actually planning it while we were still "together," but you're a repugnant stump, and you're as deaf as a haddock, so you get what you deserve. One last bit of constructive criticism: it isn't the light, you look bad no matter how and where you stand.

Die alone.

[FULL STORY ARCHIVE]

 

-- Ghost Little

on Twitter  |  @GhostLittle_WTF

#28 -- The Diffused States (Part 3)

"It was a stunning alchemy of human talent and organizational drama -- in short, it was just really damn-good television."

Read: [#23 -- The Diffused States (Part 1)] and [(Part 2)] to stay caught up. . .

The public devoured it. It was real and it was human and it was intricate and it was dangerous and it had innumerable personalities involved at so many levels. People have always loved watching esoteric talents clash with neuroses, particularly when there's a good soundtrack and there's the possibility of injuries and explosions (D3's serving both the thermally- and emotionally-charged varieties). There wasn't a person in the Diffused that didn't watch every Sunday, or gobble up the pre-race hype broadcasts during the week. 

It was unprecedented. Oh, there was no precedent, baby! Speed and danger joined with physicality and engineering brilliance unheard of in human history. People had to design the machines, people had to design the software, people had to manage the machines' hardware-halves (and different people had to monitor the Runners' relationships with the machines' organic-halves). Rivalries developed. Each team bubbled with its own style -- people wanted to know what made them different. All of the doors were open to the viewers that wanted to enjoy the prep-work before competition. It was a stunning alchemy of human talent and organizational drama -- in short, it was just really damn-good television. It was a marriage that had no business being this successful, particularly when it required trust between all those eccentric individuals operating in tandem. If they didn't, the brave soul that had been strapped into the D3 was going to wreck at 800 km/h doing a 5-G turn.

"They don't do a ton of D3 racing in Texas," admitted Shaw in an interview on a quiet Sunday after the most recent race was finished. A three-quarters moon had snuck up early on a bright blue twilight sky over Dallas when she sat down to talk. The woman was young, younger than you would expect for her candor and rivalries with long-tenured racers. None of that grinning swagger we'd seen in post-race press conferences was in her voice now though --  the fire in her, infamously capable of burning off all of the oxygen in a room if she wanted, was toned down to smaller, twisting blue flame. She sat cross-legged wearing jeans, well-fitting training shoes with toe-slots, and a hotel robe.

I noticed her grab at the carpet with her toes. She leaned back when she talked and leaned forward when she listened, breezing about the conversation like a tropical plant.

"Been to Texas & The Sooners before?"

"Twice," Shaw answered me. "Once to Old Oklahoma City. Once to San Antonio. I wanted to go closer to the border but we weren’t allowed. Have you been to the border?"

"I have. It's scary."

"They're scared of the southern border here. Well, I guess not scared of it. They just don't like it. There isn't much to see there, I guess."

"They seem to like you here though. The fans."

"Except they can't pronounce Montblanc," Shaw laughed. "I mean, they love us, you can see it in the their faces, but they keep mispronouncing it. It's endearing though. Having fans in different parts of the Diffused is half the reason we do this. Even if they don't get that, even if the fans themselves don't get why I love to race, that's fine. We're different but competitive. That's what makes these countries great. It's just so great to see these people at the races. They're so kind and so humble, and the racers just love what they do and feel so lucky that we've been given the ability to do it. I love it. I fucking love it."

"A lot of the fans in other countries, and let's not mince words, basically those other than the folks in Blue England and the Sierras, have no clue how the D3's even work. At least, that's the accepted rumor, the 'canonized' rumor, so to speak. And yet they just love to watch. Does that bother you? It's a sport that necessitates so much science, so much chemistry, so much artistry. It requires deep physical and emotional balance that no sport in history has demanded."

Shaw nodded. "That’s very true, and you phrased the question perfectly, so thank you for that. Well, I feel that the sport is simultaneously about emotional vulnerability while being confident and present and able to overcome insecurities. Simple, basic human traits. You can't trick the D3 into trusting you, into believing you, because it's very much a part of your own heart and your own mind when you're in sync with it. You need to be able to trust yourself on a level some people have difficulty communicating –- I know that I still do sometimes."

"That goes unnoticed by the crowds on occasion, that relationship, and is that hard for you?"

"No, of course not." She leaned back in her chair but keeps talking while looking dead ahead, skydiver-blue eyes still telling the truth. "It's clear that they see something good when they watch the races, and that's what's really important to me. That's vital to me, to my life as both a racer and as a person. Understanding the physics of life -- like a molecular composition that draws the defining-line between a live body and a dead one -- that's not important because we don't see it and it sure as shit doesn't effect whether or not we like to watch a race."

"Can you explain it then?" I was curious to see if Shaw's perception of D3's scientific portion matched her philosophical panache for the subject. Overachiever. "In layman's terms? How do the D3's really work? How do you work with them. Maybe people are afraid to ask and afraid to sound silly. Learning the intricacies of a new sport, the lingo, the slang, can be hard."

Shaw nodded again and agreed. "Sure, absolutely. So, it begins with us scouting the course. The term for it is called 'slipping' because we trace lines in the track as we drive them in normal vehicles -- trucks, cars, whatever. This can take an hour if it's a circuit course where we're running laps, or it can take an entire day if it's a point-to-point race. And the entire team comes to slip the course. We all talk the entire time, checking corners, blind jumps, hairpins, places to tuck, all of it. The Runners for our team -- for Montblanc, that's Stro and I -- we have to talk to our team's Smith, the engineer, and our Angel, who does psyche, and those conversations are usually mediated by the Jockey, who is our code writer.

"Anyway, Stro and I, we have tons of fun with those talks, trying to keep the peace amongst everybody. It's always exciting crafting a plan of attack on the course. It helps that we're friends, all of us, and we trust each other unquestionably. You have to. It requires so much, you can't survive if you don't believe the advice from your not just people you trust, from experts in software engineering and mechanical engineering and genetic engineering.

"There's important ritualistic dieting that goes along with it too. To increase memory-association with the track's layout, our team's Angel will have the Runners eat something very specific during the slip."

"Why's that?"

"Because we usually slip the course in the afternoon and then don't eat anything until right before the start the next morning. When we finally do eat the day of the race, we eat what we did during the slip the day before, and the taste creates the memory-association. It's always distinct; bitter, or spicy, or sweet -- all closely planned. Think of when you were a kid. You have a memories that smell like holly and woodsmoke, or like maple and apple peels, and even today, things can be reactivated in your brain and you get giddy when you experience those sensations. Why? Because of thoughts of Christmas, of family, of safety, of excitement. That's what we've done with our pre-race meals, developed the right emotional association. We factor in weather and race-time temperature, it's weirdly precise. And it helps. And also, for whatever reason, not eating prior to syncing with the D3 reduces confusion in the biomech. As somebody that's done it on an empty stomach and on a full stomach, the difference is night and day.

"So after that, after the slip and after we've gone over the hardware versus software debate, we Runners begin our fast, and the rest of the guys will go off and do their genius work to tailor the D3 so it will be optimized for the track. Then I usually talk to Laureate, who gets a feeling on how I’m feeling in here--" she tapped her fist to her heart "--and we build out a playlist."

"Right, they pipe in the music to help you keep rhythm during the race. I downloaded your soundtrack from last year five minutes after they released it. It was a fantastic mix."

"Awesome! I'm pumped that you liked it. Those were just the tracks we could get licensing for, and we're getting better at getting the release-rights as it's becoming more popular and profitable. Axel Rose is still a dick about us using 'Paradise City,' I can't believe he's even still alive," she leaned back casually into her chair, reminiscing. "Track 15 on the mix was this song 'Walk With You,' by an 1990's band called Dispatch. I remember I had just taken the lead in a race, it was a night race, actually, and the song came on and I never looked back. I just zoned-in and started running faster and faster laps. Nobody was going to catch me that night. What sucks is that we didn't even release a lot of our original music, which is seventy-five percent of what we use -- Laureate is hesitant to release it, despite the pent-up demand."

"The Laureate?" I encouraged after Shaw stopped talking. I led her back into the conversation. "That's what you call the musician. Why are they called Laureates?"

"Oh. It's just slang, like Blue England. Like anything. There used to be artists in residence or poet laureates before the Schism. These are the teams' musician laureates. Or 'Rocker Laureate,' as Aran put it. Rockstar in residence. Each person on the team is our go-to for a piece of the puzzle that makes this sport so great. The Smith designs, forges the D3's mechanics. The Angel handles, guards the vitals for the D3's biological portion. The Jockey writes the software, the code itself, and acts as the go-between the D3's living and non-living halves. But it's the Laureate that helps me talk to the D3. It's the base, poetic language and rhythm found in the music that begins the conversation.

"The music is imperative to my ability to communicate with the D3. It brings me up to its level and it brings it down to my level in terms of cognitive speed. It's a machine with biological underpinnings, and in a lot of ways, we humans are biological entities with brains built like computers. So to get us in sync and to put us in a better state for shared consciousness, we use music. Like I said before, some of it is licensed music from old bands, but lots of it, Laureate writes based on what she sees in the course, composing what she sees, anticipating how we might be feeling at that moment. Some of it is from her extensive back-catalog that she and I fill out constantly. And the rest she noodles out on the fly during the race. You should see her play a 12-string. She is a samurai with that thing.

"To start, she usually goes with some of those pizzicato strings that raise your short hairs on end, you know the feeling, that horror-movie stuff -- then she moves right into some really driving drum bass-lines. Heavy metal. Guitars that sound like cars. And it's all her. It's fantastic.

"If a Runner needs a kick in the ass, she'll rattle off a pounding, complex beat at just the right moment. I know there have been times when I've gotten too emotionally entangled with a particular racer rattling my nerves during a race, making me lose focus, and Laureate will calm me down with some slower strings -- some kind of ballad, maybe. If I'm brawling with another Runner, she'll know that I need heavy percussion and chunky electric guitar. She takes cues from me, from what we've talked about, and occasionally from Aran, who is our Opticon."

"Aran Stephens, you mentioned him again. Your team's owner." She nodded. "What does he do? During the race?"

"He runs the whole show. He's on the horn the entire time, planning plays for Stro and I, filling us in on what the other teams are doing, reminding us to move from Roid into Tuck and back."

"Explain Tuck and Roid."

"Sure. So, aside from the fact that I almost always fuck it up and say 'tuck and roll' because I'm a space cadet and I have a terrible verbal filter, it basically describes how you're positioning yourself on the D3. I begin each race inside the D3 in what's called a Roid-stance. It's where I'm standing up, fully enclosed in the D3 mechanical exoskeleton, which could be anywhere between 10 to 15 feet tall. Ours are bigger, right at the maximum height of 15 feet.

"That's the humanoid Roid-stance -- short for 'android.' What can I say? The sport was invented by geeks. But when the D3 is upright like that, it's agile, augmenting normal human movement. It's simple to operate, it's as easy as walking once you develop a report with the D3. I can run in a dead sprint in that thing, without assistance from jets or vents, at about 340 km/h, thereabouts. With jets accelerating everything and the rollers lowered, it can top out at almost 500 km/h. We have laser-sharp stabilizing edges made of a diamond-laced alloy installed on different parts of the frame so we Runners can carve through turns like a train riding rails, even at high speeds. These edges can also vibrate at ultra-high frequencies that you can hear, but can't really see with the naked eye, and what this means is that we can use them to carve sharp turns through asphalt, rock, metal -- nearly anything. When you're doing it right, you wonder if you're even doing anything at all.

"The friction is lessened, and it's almost like gliding when it's all going and the jets are active. What the jets do is emphasize the already-enhanced movements that the D3 gives me. They're mounted all over the Roid, so if I want to lean into a turn, the jets'll work in conjunction with the series of gyroscopic overlays built into the exoskeleton's middle tier to keep me balanced when I'm carving a turn. I can almost lay out entirely--" she went rigid as a plank, laying across her armchair in perfect form, extending a pointed leg at a right angle straight up "--And still be in full control at high speed. It's also very hard to knock a D3 over because of all these counterbalance measures. That's why we incorporate so much controlled spinning and rolling when we’re throwing around our momentum in tight areas."

"So as long as you don't fight the inertia too much--"

"--Right, we can make it work for us. A good Runner should be like hot water flowing over ice. Fight the gravity, but don't hate it. Otherwise, it'll hate you back. I studied a lot of ballet, interpretive dance, short track speed-skating, parkour, yoga, downhill skiing, and tai chi to see how they deal with channeling and carrying momentum."

"So it accelerates your normal human movement and reflex."

"Yeah."

"So you're saying you're fast?"

"I'm saying I could catch an errant electron with chopsticks."

The boast strikes me hard in the chest. "Okay." But I can see it in her eyes, still soft and blue -- at the very least she thinks she's telling the truth. "Okay, but the D3 also has Tuck-stance."

"Yes, Tuck-stance, of course. The D3 is a versatile machine that we can calibrate to emphasize speed when we need it. Basically, it rearranges itself from something two-legged and agile to something more horizontal and straight-ahead. It becomes more of a charging rhino or one-seater car than gorilla or, uh, robot, I guess. More vehicle than 'advanced prosthetic,' let's say. The Runner partially emerges from the D3 and basically begins to ride it in this stance. And ride really is the opportune word: you're on top of the thing. It used to be a more dangerous maneuver because it leaves the Runner exposed, but we ironed out the kinks. The Smith on our team is an amazing technical engineer. When the jets are actively re-arranged and the wheels come down and the whole thing becomes built for straight-ahead speed and aerodynamics, that's when the velocity kicks in. When you want to go straight and you need to go fast, you go into your tuck and you hold on."

"It's like a long-nosed motorcycle. Powered by jets. Balanced by the same gyro-system as the D3 in Roid-stance--"

"--And balanced by me too. You have to be strong to wrangle productivity out of Tuck-stance. It hurts to stay in the tuck, it's physically taxing, gravity and the terrain slamming you around. A lot of people can't take corners at all in that stance. I mean, you've got to squeeze the shit out of the saddle with your legs if you want to stay on the thing. If you're strong though, and you can keep calm, and you know what you're doing, you can almost have the D3 completely sideways on the track and still maintain speed. You can scrub a ton of speed doing that too, it's just a matter of communicating to the D3 what you need out of it, putting the thrust and the balance in the right place. That's why you need the trust and the courage. And the stupidity. But knowing the D3 is there with you, looking out for you the way you're looking out for him. . . that's what makes it different from just strapping somebody to a missile and pointing it at the finish line. 

"It takes finesse. Strength is important, but it's not just that. It's not something anybody can do and it's not something you can even really learn to do overnight. You have to be both physically smart and emotionally grounded to wrangle the D3 into sharing with you; into trusting you. And that's when you really start to go fast and enjoy feeling the danger, particularly in Tuck-stance."

"Interesting. And last but not least, there's another famous man on your team. Victor Han. He was head of the Drug Admin for a while. He works pro bono. He's the general manager, the Dealer for your team. How deeply involved is he with the team?"

"He protects us from entanglements. We focus on racing. He negotiates our contracts, does marketing, he lets us focus on what we do. He's also legal counsel. He's our Dealer. Self-explanatory."

"You said at the beginning of the interview that you start the race by slipping the course. What happens before that though? Where does the D3 itself come from?"

"From science. They come from science." She laughed, aware of her limited response. "I'm not involved with much of the actual construction. Ask Smith. Or better yet, ask Aran. He's always investigating how this shit really works."

NEXT: [#30 -- The Diffused States (Part 4)] to see what happens. . .

-- Doberman (is getting worried)

on Twitter  |  @GhostLittle_WTF

#27 -- "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask" Reviewed | * * * ½

"It's the best prom ever!"

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is the day in your life that you look back upon years down the road and say: "That was the last time anybody ever treated me right." Chronologically, Majora stands after your loss of innocence but before the onset reality of adulthood. In Majora, you say goodbye to firefly-questions, and accept that you do indeed have to live in a world where you must consciously accept your ignorance to the universe around you -- a universe that is entirely full of monsters and that you must nonetheless live in until the day you die. Majora is the first and only time you experience genuine, crystal-clear, 1080p, surprising euphoria following the appropriate build-up. 

Many stories are journeys. Majora is journeys through a story. 

Isn't that what the best memories are? Revisited again and again -- on purpose or not -- to honor the best bygone moments. The memories that stink of emotion, of fire, and of revelation. We can come at this story over and over, in repetitious discovery, with repetitious joy. Layered as it is, it can't be sullied, it constantly cleans itself like an obsessive-compulsive cat with a disorder.

After Majora, videogames entered an awkward phase. Like slavery being the base-cause of the American Civil War -- despite the cries for "states' rights" and a thousands of other actual reasons -- the base-cause of videogames' slide into self-fellatio was Halo: Combat Evolved. Now, we love Halo, but it was such a sudden growth-spurt that we all started tripping over our comedic ginormagantuan-foots in excitement, and we still, to this day, have not yet arrived at the equivalent of the Emancipation Proclamation. Today, we will continue to kill our brothers.

With Halo's arrival, games shed personal purpose in favor of pleasing a focused-tested personality. Videogames began to be created in order to serve us. People began to seek out what connected best to their own pre-constructed personality. It wasn't like when rock 'n roll happened and everybody wanted to be rock 'n roll. Today, people build out a meager semi-self-styled personality, and then walk towards the nearest counter-culture they can find -- there is something for everybody, marketing made sure of it. Portfolios in databases in mainframe blade servers at corporate headquarters have been filled out to make sure that you, sir or madam, have been served, and that your needs and tastes have been met. There is a shade of paint for every man, woman, fatty, grandma, and child's needs now. There's something for you, designed just for you, tailored just for you, crafted just for you. . . and for those like you.

It will never be like that anymore though. That feeling of innocence's closure, before you knew what it was even called. It's more an acceptance than an ending. Majora dwells in prolonged instant of emotional osmosis. It's the feeling of personal transference made sweeter in retrospect. After that discovery, after that encounter, after that end, as the sun sets, you understood where you'd been and even though you might not know where you were going, you look back on that memory -- altered for time and content -- in blurred joy. It couldn't have been as good as you remember it, and only in that very specific endorphin-infused moment of your life could it have been that good. 

It's the best prom ever! 

Falling out of the sky like the moon crashing in from orbit, Majora starts weird, gives you tools to inflict your own weird, and then challenges you to de-weirdify your world. Different from the other Zelda games because it hates you, Majora is a moody middle-child's re-arrangement of his younger sibling's toys. This is no longer young-adult literature, comprende? This is The Legend of Zelda & The Half-Blood Prince. 

Men in love will die at your feet, begging you to save their illegitimate children. Seriously! Horrifying. Seriously horrifying. 

There are people in this land, Termina, it's called, that you can indeed trust, but they aren't the ones expect. There's unease in your heart from the first snap. The defense, mothering in Majora's precursor (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time  |  * * * * (Certified: Best Game Of All Time)), is smothering this time around.

. . .so begins our actual conversation on the game which you shall play when plugging The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask cartridge into your Nintendo 64. . .

In the game, you are Link, again, and you've been mugged. And turned into an anthropomorphic shrub. It's far from your standard intro, growing progressively more emo when you're told time is really short, what with the goddamn moon about to go totally Cretaceous on your asses in three days. Everybody will die if you don't master time travel, because you can't stop a lunatic, you can only hope to contain him. . . with time travel!

The weirdness and the hopelessness plants an angry, rebellious fire in you. It gives you the the Ash Williams swagger -- the "I'm going to fucking take shit over" attitude. While others not named Link would buckle and cower under the pressure, you decide (that Link has decided) he'll grow a pair and claim the three weird magical transformation masks as his own, maybe saving this 'effed up bizarro world in the process. Groovy. Lambada-a-go-go, motherfuckers!

There are a lot of corners in Majora. Corners to turn and corners to hide things in. There are basically 6 versions of the world, two per day (night time and day time) of the three days you have left on earth. You can travel back in time to Dawn of the First Day, but no further. To save your game, you must go back in time to Dawn of the First Day. This is done by playing a song on your ocarina, portable pipe-organ, bongo drums, or fish-bone guitar. 

Chunga-chunga! 72 hours remain. 

The sound effect that greets you when you spawn back at the center of town, lunar crisis averted for just a little while longer, is that of a machine being kind to you. The time travel takes all your "gathered" stuff but not your "personal" stuff. To save money, you have to go to the bank and deposit your cash at the bank vault, which we assume exists in some kind of pocket dimension -- it will be waiting for you when you Groundhog Day yourself. 

We got away from our earlier point about corners. You need to explore every corner at every time of day on each of the three days. It's constantly changing. It's a great, purposeful reason to travel around the world again and again because you might find something new. We don't mean that in a World of Warcraft, "oh, maybe Goldshrubs or Arcanite drops will finally respawn over here," way. No, it's way better than that. We mean that the something new you discover might be the solution to a friend's problem. There's no arrow, there's no compass, no indicator saying: "check here for quest completion." The best you can hope for is maybe somebody's loose suggestion to "go north tonight." It's enough to pique your curiosity. Almost every NPC in the game has a story, an issue, or a lost, uh, something, or whatever. Helping people with whatever is the kindest form of helping, or whatever, that a person can give. You want to help them because they deserve to be helped. You can't be everywhere at once. Explore the world as many times as you can. Fortunately, you have all the time you need.

We almost summed up this review with the tagline: "The day before an unwanted pregnancy." This is the Internet, you can be horrible here if you need to. But Majora isn't horrible, and we would want to be horrible to her. A friend once said that cars and boats must always be named after women, because if he's going to enter anything, it's going to be a lady. We sidestepped the question about mechaphelia, but we laughed at the statement, because it was funny and it seemed right at the time. Videogames are asexual, they can be either bros or bitties. Majora is a girl though. She's sensitive and complicated. Men are never sensitive and they're only complicated if it helps them fake sensitivity (which they do a lot).

As always, we wish we could review games in a vacuum but Majora's resonance only grows brighter in recent years. What's past is certainly not prologue. What's to come are shitty sequels. We loathe Twilight Princess even more with every passing day. If Twilight Princess were our twin sister, we'd push her into a marble quarry and delete her Facebook profile. We'd tell everybody! We accept the world we are in and we love the games we play. Yet we are in a down-generation. The HD era of the PS3 and Xbox360 will not be looked back upon fondly. We promise you that. 

Here's how it works. Odd-numbered generations age badly. We don't count the Atari generations because they're fucking terrible.

1st, the NES era. Go back and play Metroid or Dragon (Quest) Warrior. They are janky, poorly-programmed, over-imagined pieces of ass. Exception: Super Mario Bros. 3.

2nd, the SNES / Genesis era. Timeless, even today. Chrono Trigger, Donkey Kong Country 2, Sonic 2 -- these are the literature of videogames. 

3rd, the N64 / PS1 era. Muddy 3D, foggy draw-distance -- blurry character faces and limited voice acting clash with good music and CGI FMVs. Games on CD are cheap to make and are pumped out rapidly. Games on cartridges are expensive to make and few are released. A few gems, but even fewer have aged gracefully. Good RPGs and a few 3D platformers. Final Fantasy IX, Ocarina of Time / Majora's Mask, and Soul Reaver are diamonds in the rough. Developers like Rare shot for the stars and missed, their games ending up as brilliant space-dust, purged out the opposite end of cold reality by a supermassive black hole. See: Jet Force Gemini, the closest we ever got to Itchy & Scratchy: The Videogame.

4th, the PS2 / Xbox / GameCube era. The 3D realm is mastered. Dozens of quality games that endure into this modern era, so well, in fact, that the good ones like Shadow of the Colossus are getting HD-remakes to fix textures and framerates. Other fond memories exist with Devil May Cry 3, Half-Life 2, and Resident Evil 4, better than most games released today. The pieces of technological presentation are in sync with the design limitations imposed by the hardware. For a while, ambition and capability were one, and things were good. Also, Shadow of the (FRAKKING) Colossus!

5th, the present, PS3 / Xbox360 / Wii era. And it's also the modern iPhone / handheld / Zynga era. Yes, we'll look back upon that fondly, won't we? What a fucking preemie generation this is. We have the winners of the generation, sure. Mass Effect 2, Gears of War 2, and Assassin's Creed II. But honestly, this is just the previous generation without the limitations that force developers to actually think. We get new Halo, new God of War, new Grand Theft Auto (urgh), new Mario Galaxy (twice), except their production and vision is so laser-focused that we can't help but feel like we're being led around on a leash. Don't get us started on Call of Duty's nauseating annual popularity. We adore the joke that is Metal Gear Solid 4 even more with every passing day. 

So how is it that Majora, an afterbirth / sketch-dump / bastard child of a down-generation in game development become such a smooth operator? What business does she have being this good? She could make Vanilla Coke cool. Damn, we love Vanilla Coke. How weird is it that for once, adding vanilla to something makes it "non-traditional?" What a mind-fuck. Yes, Majora does the impossible, like a church without stained-glass windows, an irregardlessly anti-backwards nega-concept, so revelatory, so Elvis, so übermench, that if you described it to a man, it would impregnate him with a Star-Child, and if you described it to a woman, she would orgasm every time she sneezed for the rest of her life. 

The best, brightest light shines on Majora.

See, this was before players demanded "balance" in their games. There was never "too much combat," or "not enough puzzles," or "broken mechanics." If they got sick of fighting, they went off and did something else. The Zelda formula -- and Majora in particular -- was flexible enough to allow this. Occupying the game space is the most fun you'll have, so being freed from the main quest once in a while is double-liberating -- meaning that you're taking time off from your demanding world-saving within the game that you play during your actual, human-person time off. The concept of "getting stuck," was once a good thing. It meant you got to faff about and swim around as a fish-man and forget about saving the world. It was vacation². The dictation of that flow doesn't feel like it was not put there by design. No, we, not some code monkey, put that happiness there.

At it's heart, Majora is a moment of focus in a blurred life. It hurts a lot to see other moments lose clarity in comparison. The swimming is the best in any videogame ever. You don't swim, you soar like electrified oil among ocean waves. The NPC-relationships are the best in any videogame ever. You see the effect you have on their lives, and then after traveling backwards in time to avert disaster, as you must, you see them again reliving what they would have been without your help. The whole game is a side-quest you aren't told about and then you are overjoyed when you realize the whole game is not a dream.

So much is packed into this game's molars. You want it to chew you forever. 

Why is it only * * * 1/2 out of 4 stars? Because of that cow-protecting / alien shooting quest. The first-person, inverted y-axis (Why, Japan? Why?) arrow-aiming while riding on horseback is the devil's grundle. It is not Fleshy Fun-bridge. It's so bad that we knock an entire half-star off of an otherwise flawless game.

It's weird inside Termina, so all you want to do is be good and inflict good on a person, on a town, on a world that's been dealt a bad hand. That spark ignites the whole quest -- your compulsion to complete a videogame will never be more pure than in Majora's Mask. It never has before and it never will again. 

* * * ½

(out of 4)

Related recommended reading:
[The Prestige  |  * * * ½] by Ghost Little
[Paradise Lost  |  * * * * ++ CERTIFIED: BEST THING EVER WRITTEN ++] by Ghost Little and Doberman
[LittleBigPlanet  |  Z E R O] by Ghost Little

-- Ghost Little

on Twitter  |  @GhostLittle_WTF

#26 -- "LittleBigPlanet" Reviewed | Z E R O stars

". . .a pretentious, private elementary school compressed into a hyper-concentrated videogame form. It's the most indifferent game of all time."

Kids, put your fingers in your ears, daddy's home, and he got the tip of penis clipped off by a cigar-cutter.

How, and why, would we allow this asparagus-scented game whose original title, we assume, was: Circumcision II: The Dick-Clippening, a piece of entertainment whose box-art displays a cuteness so violent that it violates the Geneva Convention, to get some playtime? Playtime that would lead to an over-abundance of dong-to-blade closeness? Because it was free. 

You could not pay us to play this game. We've never walked out of a movie. We've never turned down a free drink. We go outside when it's sunny for one good reason. We turned off LittleBigPlanet after 3 levels. 

LittleBigPlanet is Hipster: The Videogame. It wears its tasteless, unslightly goofiness pinned to it's tight denim dude-capris. The game has such an overabundance of stuff and yet it is so indifferent to every ounce of stuff within it. None of it is there for a reason. It's like owning a massive dictionary whose best feature is that: "at least the pages don't stick together because of errant spurts of semen across the paper." As far as we can tell, the object of the game is to collect bubbles on a 2D plane with a beanie baby that jumps like a drunken kite brought to life by black sorcery. As you collect things, you can then customize levels that you and your indie band, "UkuFAILe," designed on Sunday instead of finding a drummer. For your band. Get a fucking drummer for your band, LittleBigPlanet! You need rhythm. You have none. 

It's terrible. It's insulting. It's a pretentious, private elementary school compressed into a hyper-concentrated videogame form. It's the most indifferent game of all time. You can see the pride-boils popping on it's skin. As far as LittleBigPlanet is concerned, it, like Sarah Palin, can do no wrong, and the people that are fans of it can do no wrong. The game controls toddle like a stubborn mule with a bout of irritable bowel syndrome and a blue ribbon from the Wyoming State Retard Rodeo. 

LittleBigPlanet is a guy and the girl he wants to kiss -- him on ukulele, her on milk-jug -- playing Led Zeppelin covers at a burger joint; because they couldn't book time on a street corner. It's shit masquerading as confidence for the talentless mouth-breathers. It was designed to give morons hope. Dipshit dubstep fans in Brooklyn that "modded" their older sister's original Gameboy into an ashtray will love LittleBigPlanet. 

The visual aesthetic of LittleBigPlanet is that of the activity room in a Presbyterian Church basement. Go explore the emotions God cursed your souls with, children! The 2D side-scrolling gameplay itself has the personality of a 7 year-old introvert. Problem is, we must admit that LittleBigPlanet possesses the best reason to play a game: "no good reason," and we like games where the game is its own self-propelling compulsion. The reward for playing the game is more game to play, but playing LittleBigPlanet though is like chewing tin foil. There's always that feeling in the back of your head that because you're playing this game, a husband is forcing his wife to get a third abortion. 

In-game, you can't distinguish purpose from bullshit, nor objective from something far-off in the background that looks like a handlebar mustache on a falcon. Seriously, dude, why? People will shout: "there doesn't need to meaning behind this, it's just goofy for goofy's sake!" YouTube is goofy for goofy's sake, child. We laugh at it because its hilarity comes from the certifiably asinine -- but we don't sit down and watch YouTube for hours on end. We don't go to the British Diorama Museum to relax after work. We don't want to see the British Diorama Museum's Curator's YouTube channel. This is like wandering a Girl Scout's arts and crafts fair and every fifth step, you have to lube up another lead musketball with dark molasses, and shove it into a different orifice. It will poison you. It will poison your brain!

There are four buttons devoted to emoting or smiling and two buttons devoted to moving your arms. Just, moving them, ya know. It's exactly as we've feared. They've successfully simulated the act of operating an instant messenger client with nobody on the other end.

The game has no imagination. There is no need to simulate the feeling of playing with your childhood action figures (your "guys," as you referred to them (seriously, you did, don't be embarrassed (it's not embarrasing, LittleBigPlanet is embarrassing)). There's no simulation required, no need to simulate giving them your personality and then having them run through an imaginary world while a stern adult lectures you. That in and of itself is already a simulation. No, wait, it's better than simulation because it's imagination! Don't get all childhood-meta. Spike Jonze tried to do that in the Where The Wild Things Are movie and look where it got him. . .

. . .actually, that was a pretty decent movie. Not important. Imagination, yeah, uh, you can do this without a PlayStation 3. You should have already had these experiences in life -- when you were fucking six! Shit, you can still do it right now if you really, truly have to! Don't let our hatred for LittleBigPlanet stop you, and in fact, it should encourage you. Run down to a craft store and lay down $12 for pipe-cleaners, cardboard, felt, and a Nunchuck-Michelangelo. You don't have to be embarrassed to do those things, and if you are, distilling these hands-on activities into videogame form is not the answer you're looking for. 

At least when you played with your own action figures back in the day, you could huck them across the room if they missed the jump. Imagination lives in your head, not as a PSN handle out there on the Internet with every other fuckskull that got a free copy of the game after the network went down. We cannot imagine paying $60 for this game. We would not recommend it to adults, because if they think this is fun, they have no good childhood memories of actual fun -- and should probably get their meds balanced if they think this is going to displace the memories of broken beer bottles hurled at them when they were young -- and we can't recommend it to children because their imaginations shouldn't be nurtured in a digital world. 

And kids deserve tighter 2D control than this. Shame on you for not telling them that it exists! Go download your child a copy of Super Mario Bros. 3 on the Wii Virtual Console right now. Let them pick apart a Japanese idiot-savant's imagination for a while, shut off the Nintendo, and see where their creativity goes when you give them good role models instead of the conduit to the social media videogame clusterfuck that is LittleBigPlanet.

z e r o

(out of 4)

-- Ghost Little

on Twitter  |  @GhostLittle_WTF