Wednesday, January 25, 2012

#55 -- "Dr Pepper (Est. 1885) Ten" Reviewed | * * ½

"Dr Pepper Ten is flavor's artistic opposite."

There are 20 calories in a 20 oz. bottle of Dr Pepper Ten. By that logic, they could have called it anything.

It tastes like regular Dr Pepper. Regular Dr Pepper kinda tastes like pigs. The pig is kinda the animal of bacon. Dr Pepper Ten is kinda like buying a car that can be equipped with leather heated seats -- but it costs the same with or without the feature. You'd ideally want that feature no matter what, assuming nothing is lost in the transaction, like money, all of this is of course assuming you even wanted that particular car in the first place.

Orange juice is a common drink that has pulp, and people are okay with that. Man, how awesome would exploding pulp be? Add it into soda and these little sugar flecks start exploding like sea mines in the drink. You could call it "Blitzkrieg," but not in England. There is no soda-revolution on the horizon -- yet.

Soda has crunch, it's one of the few liquids that does -- peppermint schnapps is another. Frozen chocolate milk has crunch too. There aren't many good reasons to drink Dr Pepper Ten, outside of the fact that you can, meaning that if somebody broke into your apartment while you were sleeping, hog-tied you, and pointed an automatic weapon at your terrarium, where your iguana, Don, lives, and the intruder said they'd kill Don if you didn't drink some Dr Pepper Ten, you could save your iguana's life without much more hassle. Some people (scientists) have been trying to build flavors in labs and sell it to consumers that just want flavor in their water. No calories, no sugar, just color and sugar -- I think it's called Flav-R-Fuze. It's where flavor and water fuse with Dimension-X. 

Dr Pepper Ten is flavor's artistic opposite. It's impolite and blunt, and it collides with you like a handful of gravel collides with a miniature horse. At some point in the future, it's possible a can of Dr Pepper Ten will be sent back in time, whereupon a caveman will drink it, and then die. This is certainly not a drink for kidz. No kidz under age ten should drink Dr Pepper Ten, it'll discourage them, because it will make them think about adult themes like banking accounts and toxic debt packages. By comparison, when an adult drinks this beverage, he or she might remember childhood a little bit, but that's not a real memory they're recalling, they're confusing it with an episode of Home Improvement they watched on TV, a show that has aged better than you'd think.

We were once persuaded that drinking a crystallized, earth-tone sucrose-fluid was not just a good idea, but a big deal. Who was the marketing genius that made us okay with that? It might look like a rusty lava-evacuation, but trust us, dis here shit be delicious. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that drinking Dr Pepper Ten is about as much fun as playing The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

* * ½
(out of 4)

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-- Alex Crumb
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