#39 -- The Scotsman And The Whale

"The Scotsman's heart began to feel faint. He had come so far across so much of Scotland to find the bones of the greatest creature on earth, only to find nothing. Had the giant fox lied to him?"

One thousand and fifty years ago in the furthest, coldest reaches of Scotland, there lived a man whose house faced the western seas. Oh, he was a happy Scotsman with a darling wife and their days were rich and full of happiness. There were days of struggle, like when the whiskey was running low, true, those days were trying. There were days of struggle that perhaps turned into years of trouble, like when the wicked men came in from the southlands, burning houses and stealing sheep and raiding the man's tended peet and berry bogs, from which he drew his livelihood. But amidst all of this, the Scotsman remained happy because he had his bog and he always had his wife.

There came a day in the Scotsman's middle years when his bones would occasionally ache and stiffen during the most chilled winter nights (although he would never admit it), when he decided that he wanted to change his Scotch whiskey recipe, which was already quite famous. It was famous in all the lands that he had ever traveled to, north or south, and it was what gave him the most pride of all.

Well, he thought about it, and considered the ingredients and method that he used now -- which involved harvesting a certain peet in spring and autumn and buying a particular barley from one of his friends, the one-armed Irishman, who made his home in a meadow just down the coast below the rocky grotto -- and the Scotsman examined his berry bog, which he used to line his barrel casks to give the whiskey that particular, aged flavor. He recalled the year he didn't make the Scotch in those barrels because the men from the south had stolen his crop, and the whiskey had not been good that year. True, that ingredient was vital, but there had to be more.

"Wife," he said to his wife. "I want to do something new. Something new with my Scotch whiskey."

And his wife answered, "Scotsman," and then chewed the bread in her mouth, adding, "If you want to give your Scotch whiskey a new flavor, ask yourself: do I want the flavor of my most beloved creation to be small or do I want it to be large?"

"I want it to be large," the Scotsman said right away without thinking. "If I am to distill my Scotch, it must be strong and powerful so that all men and women from across our great land will want to drink it. They will want to drink it and they will not want to drink anything else."

The Scotsman's wife nodded, saying, "Well, if you are sure, then you must add the bones of the largest creature on earth to your Scotch. That will make its flavor large. It will make it irresistible to all men and women."

"Very good thinking, wife! What is the largest creature on earth?"

"Why, the giant fox, of course. They live in the highlands and avoid people. Clever beasts."

"Then I will go to the highlands and take the bones of a giant fox. From its bones, I will make the greatest whiskey known to man!"

With that, the Scotsman got a good night's rest and loaded up his pack with supplies and Scotch whiskey and drank a wee dram with breakfast at the morning sun and he was off to find the giant fox in the highlands. The trail was easy, he had traveled it before many times as a young man and as an old man. No, he reminded himself. He was not old. He was wise. And he liked the sound of that. Later in the afternoon, he found paw tracks just off the trail in the heath and nettles. They were amazing and gigantic, as large across as his farm's water well. Surely these were the tracks of the giant fox.

He followed them until night, made a fire, and slept with one eye open, for the giant wolves were cunning indeed.

When he woke, the fire had died. The trail was still fresh though. This gave him hope. Perhaps this would be an simple quarry after all. For the rest of the day it was simple, he followed the tracks, winding up the coast, far beyond the trail and far beyond any sign of man's influence. Truly, he was in mysterious country. But he had to press on and there was no time for fear or trepidation. Besides, he had his whiskey with him and it warmed him up right and gave him courage. As night was falling on his second day of tracking, when the light begins to play tricks on you, he found the giant fox.

Curled in its den, it lay. And it was surrounded by small fox pups. The Scotsman knew that he badly wanted the bones to make his whiskey, but he hesitated when he saw the cubs. So he took a dram of Scotch down his throat, and then three or four more like it for good measure. As he began to draw his knife, which he had used to kill game with since he was a young boy, the giant fox spoke.

"Scotsman," the giant fox said to him. "What are you doing? Would you honestly try to take the bones of a mother giant fox to distill your fiery drink?"

"Ah," the Scotsman grumbled to himself. "No. No, I suppose I could not. T'would be heartless and I am not a heartless man, no."

"You need not worry," assured the giant fox. "I am not even the largest creature on earth."

"Ah! This is good," said the Scotsman. "Tell me, what is the largest creature on earth?"

"The largest creature on earth is the green dragon," said the giant fox. "It lives further north."

"And you say it is larger than you, giant fox?"

"Oh, many times larger. Why, I've seen one green dragon eat five giant foxes in one sitting and it would have eaten more if there were more for eating."

"Five giant foxes?" the Scotsman gasped, trying not to show fear. "Such a hungry, fearsome creature must surely be the largest on earth. I will use its bones to make my whiskey great and large!"

He patted one of the fox cubs on its head and let another lick whiskey from his open palm and he thanked the mother giant fox and he was off. The days began to shorten. The wind became darker up there in the north. The Scotsman worried one morning after breaking camp that he might not be able to find his way back home to his wife and to his peet and berry bog. He shook thoughts of doubt from his mind. He must carry on into those jagged rocks that stabbed the horizon, turning noontime sun into a deep, long shadow. If the green dragons still dwelt in this world, and if the giant fox had been telling the truth, then this must be where they made their roost.

There were two days before he reached the foothills and two days after that, he drank the last of the whiskey he had brought with him. He was on his own now. Dark times indeed. At last, he reached the top of the jagged rocks that blocked out the noontime sun and shouted, "If this be where the green dragons roost, reveal yourselves!"

In that moment, no dragons showed themselves. The Scotsman's heart began to feel faint. He had come so far across so much of Scotland to find the bones of the greatest creature on earth, only to find nothing. Had the giant fox lied to him?

The giant fox had not lied! A gargantuan roar found the Scotsman's ears, descending onto him from behind an acrid miasma of fog and fear. The green dragon crashed to earth before him, wings spread wide, hurling guttural shouts and fire and smoke and putrid, green-colored gases.

"I have spoken with the giant fox," the green dragon yelled with no warning. "She told me many things, Scotsman, and I considered them deeply as I flew here to this roost, my home!"

"Oh, great green dragon," the Scotsman said. "I have come to find the bones of the greatest creature on earth to make my Scotch whiskey. To slay a creature as great as you will be a mighty task --"

"-- The giant fox has lied to you. For I am not the greatest creature on earth."

"How is this possible, great green dragon? You are great and green and you fly and you carry off sheep as though they were but coins in a man's pocket, trifling things, yea."

"Nay, Scotsman, nay. The whale, Scotsman. The whale is the greatest creature on earth. It is the whale's bones that you require. From the whale's bones, and only from the whale's bones can you create the greatest Scotch whiskey on earth." The green dragon lowered its head closer to him now, eyes glinting. "That is, of course, if you still desire to make the greatest Scotch whiskey on earth."

"Yes!" shouted the Scotsman in triumph, looking down at the waters below the dragon's roost, where he was certain the whale lived. "Yes, my Scotch must be flavorful and bold and big and I need the bones of the greatest creature on earth to make it so large."

The green dragon examined him. It looked the Scotsman in the eye, choosing its own words carefully. "It. Will. Be. Big. With flavor!" It spread its wings out wide. "Go now, Scotsman! Into the seas with you to find the whale's bones!"

The Scotsman dove from the cliff headlong into the freezing water. He did not die. If had been a bird, he might have flown, but he was just a man, and the waters claimed him and he sank into the deep. There, he came face to face with the whale.

This creature was gross with size and massiveness. And it was immediately clear that it was alone. All about it were bones, skeletons of other whales that must have died hundreds of years earlier, perhaps even before the lands had risen out of the seas and the earth was young. This whale was alone.

There were many bones that the Scotsman could take and he knew he must be careful, for he could not carry many and the bones would be heavy, great as they were. He gathered his thoughts but before he could speak, the whale came under him, rising high and fast towards the surface, breaching suddenly with a mighty and powerful crash. Here, the Scotsman could breathe and here he could ask the whale for some of the giant bones.

"Great whale," said the Scotsman, wiping ocean waters from his eyes. "I have traveled so far and spoken to many great beasts to find you. I have come to ask you a favor." The whale nodded. "Please, great whale. Might I take one of the bones of your ancestors to help me make my Scotch whiskey big and powerful with flavor? It is the only way. Yea, my whiskey is known throughout the land and it it is very great, this is true, but with your help, great whale, its flavor might become large and eternal. It might become unforgettable."

The whale bobbed is head slowly, up and down. Then it bobbed it side to side. Then up and down again. And then side to side once more.

Then it spoke, saying: "Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Roooooooooooo. Ara. Ararararararara. Arrruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Ruhhuhuhuhuhaaaarrrrhhhh! Arrro. Ruuuuuuuuu. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Rarararrroooooo. Riharararararaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrr. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Arrruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Arrrrrrr. Ruuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Arrruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Arrrrrrr. Ruuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr.

"Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Arrruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Arrrrrrr. Ruuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Arrruuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! 

"Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. 

"Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrroughhhhhhh. Rarararrroooooo. Riharararararaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrr. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Rearouououououuuuuuuuu. Arrrrrroooouuuuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Roooooooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuu. Riharararararaaaauuuuuuurrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Arrrrrrr. Rouuuuuuuuuuu. Rahaharoooooooo. Yaruuuuhhh. Arrrrhoooooo. Errrrrrrrrrrooooooo. Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Dharrrrrrooooooooooouuuuuu. Yaruuuuhhh. Yerrruuuuu. Nyruuuuuuuuuuuu. Raharayruuuuuuuuuu! Ruuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!! Rarararrroooooo."

Whales don't speak English.

-- Ghost Little and Doberman

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